Alone Before Christ

Sometimes I feel lonely and abandoned and no one can help me… not even the saints… I am all alone with Christ, it’s just me face to face with Christ, just my being and Christ, just my sins and Christ… I have a feeling of loneliness before the Supreme Being, I can feel my helplessness before the Immensity, therefore the feeling of loneliness… and truly there is no one that can help me…

And although I can feel He is not far away from me, I have the feeling that none of us can get closer to the other… It feels like that moment when I will stand alone before Him and nobody will be able to help me, it feels like the day of the Final Judgment is only moments away and yet I am not terrified, but torn by my own loneliness, I feel completely forsaken and helpless before my own perverted nature.

And yet I wonder, why should I be afraid in my relationship with Christ? I think it is because I can feel the falsehood of my own life, my countless betrayals of His kindness… I can feel my mocking of Him… what else could I expect of Him after giving Him so much of my wickedness? Countless offences, countless betrayals… It is that feeling we have when we offend someone greater than us who loves us and we know they do and we wait for their decision to be made: will they forgive us again or is this the last time we see their face?

And I feel all of that because I want to love Him as well, I want to reply to His heartbreaking calling: Man, I love you unboundedly! But I remain the same traitor, hardhearted and helpless in my desire to reach Him, to touch Him… I wish I were able to feel His presence all the time, to stand by Him, to endure because I am aware He is right next to me…

(Anonymous)

Translated by Claudia