We are young and we often want to learn the mysteries of love, to love and to equally be loved. We give this much thought, actually we think about it most of the time. And one of the thoughts that occupy our mind quite often with regard to this matter… is kissing. Kissing our loved one.
It’s a shame though that we are not aware of the wretched environment in which we are taught to understand kissing, environment in which I myself was raised, of course, environment in which more and more young people are raised: the TV kiss.
We have seen many kisses over the years, especially on TV, some in cheesy movies, others in movies with brilliant stories. But all the kisses we have seen given with such gratuitousness, no matter how beautiful and constructive the love story in which they happened, remain a sin.
And a kiss like that is a sin because it is not sanctified by the mystery of marriage and moreover it is an adulterous kiss because many of the actors and actresses who play such parts are married to other people in their everyday life. No matter how ‘professional’ the kiss is, the sin is still committed, but what’s worse… is that it has an impact on our hearts. And we have partaken of their sin by watching it, so many times.
This is the way we have been taught to seek kissing at all costs, from the earliest age possible, to offer it without thinking what spiritual load and what significance it bears, thus disfiguring one of the most intimate and pure expressions of love and turning it into something sleazy, lustful and trivial.
It was only after I got married that I learned that kissing is not an affectionate act toward your spouse, but a communion of love, in the mystery of the Lord. That I harm myself when I seek kissing frivolously, because kissing is something intimate and profound, and not something superficial done in front of everyone. That for a kiss I must cleanse my lips with prayers and tears, that a kiss is not only related to the lips, but it is a union of the hearts… that the kiss is only meant for a family, for holy relics and icons. That it is not and will never be meant for the boyfriend (girlfriend) of two weeks or two months… but only for the spouse.
It is not until the innocent look of your child approaches your lips, it is not until his purity makes you see your own uncleanness, like in a mirror… that you realize that you are a notorious drunkard standing before a saint.
When you kiss the innocent forehead of your child, how can you not shudder and think that you bemire your own child with the uncleanness of your lips which have been tarnished over the years with so many curses, lies, inebrieties, which have lustfully kissed other lips than those of your child’s mother… and whatnot?!?
How can you not have twinges of your conscience which yells inside you ardently: ‘Holy kiss… where are you?’
There are still girls nowadays who want to kiss only their husband. There are still people who know that kissing is not just a simple touch of the lips, but a liturgical act, it is a mystic communion of two hearts.
Translated by Claudia
Even if we had heard something on this subject or not, certainly we had all felt it with all the frustrations it brings. It is that state, in which you feel your body having a strong desire for lust which doesn’t give you peace, putting in your mind dirty images.
The appearance of sexual tensions is determined and maintained by two principal factors: unguarded mind and womb’s greed.
It happens to let our mind to produce sexual fantasies or to languish for dirty images, committing in this way fornication or adultery in our hearts.
In anatomic terms, the hormonal glands are responsible for the general and sexual balance of a man/woman. If we feed our mind with dirty images, if we let it fly and sweeten with the sin, then our mind – as the command center of our body – will stimulate the hormonal glands responsible with the appearance of sexual tensions.
These glands produce the most known sexual hormones: testosterone (for men) and progesterone and estrogen (for women), hormones which, if they shed excessively in blood, give birth to the sexual tensions that demand an use. Thus the sin of fornication begins to manifest also in the body because what you give to the mind that is what the body will do, and the body won’t stop its ignition until it will suppress those sexual energies into fornication, when the hormones are consumed, or until it will be balanced and appeased by means of fasting and prayer.
An actual problem for the teenagers and especially for boys is the many ways of tempting themselves voluntary or involuntary, and the ease with which can be tempted into fornication (films, music, advertisements with sexual connotations, pornography, indecent clothing etc.). And how our mind is bombed with this factors that destroy the brain integrity, and the coherence of thought, and that’s why the avalanche of the hormones for pleasure is stronger.
On the other hand, all the caloric energy which the body doesn’t need anymore in normal environmental conditions, activity, age and sex, is transformed into sexual energy that we perceive as sexual tension. This is the body switching mentioned by the Holy Fathers and which tormented even the greatest ascets. Always the excess of energy from food gives birth to the passions of fornication and anger. If we have problems with this passion we have to avoid as much as possible the food rich in fats (oils, pork, butter) because the fats have a high caloric level and light the body instantly.
Many teenagers take as an excuse the “unbearable” sexual tensions for masturbating and escaping in this way from those tensions, not understanding that the sexual tensions are not a cause which would explain a sexual life before marriage or for falling into the sin of masturbation but are an effect of the abuses we do with our body and our mind, abuses that give birth to these tensions of domino effect.
Again, many fool themselves that if they “ease” these tensions then they will get rid of this oppressive problem, not knowing that a temporary solution like this builds in time a powerfull passion. The mechanism of this passion is similar to that of the drunks: “give to the drunk the drink which quench its thirst and the next time he will ask you more because his thirst will be greater”.
The guarding of mind, the fasting and the prayer are the best weapons against the body switching, the sexual tension – as it is called nowadays. We will see as follows the great power of the prayer in the battle with this temptation: “And, behold, the great storm arose at the sea that the ship is covered with the waves while He was asleep. And the disciples came to Him awaked Him saying: Lord save us, we perish. Jesus said to them: Why are you afraid, of little faith? Then arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea and there was silence. And people were amazed, saying: Who is This that even sea and wind obey Him?” (Matthew 8:24-27)
So, if our Savior appeased the storm and the waves of the sea that covered the boat ready to sink, the Lord will not appease also the storm of our temptations and the waves of dirty thoughts that sometimes crush our mind and body ready to destroy us with fornication? Let us ask the Lord rather to appease the storm within us because Lord will not delay to give us His peace as He promised us: “Peace I let you, My peace I give to you, not as world gives I give you. Your heart has not to be troubled neither afraid.” (John 14:27)
I used to have a strong desire to make it with a girl, starting from 16-17 years old, because of watching too much TV. I was seeing all sorts of pictures and little by little the desire started building inside me. I was in high-school, I had lots of energy, it was the period I started to feel free, when I was thinking that I could do anything and that the world is all mine. I went to an industrial high-school and 90% of the students there where boys and by the 11th grade, most of us didn’t have a girlfriend, so we usually talked about computers, cars, technology, airplanes etc.
We weren’t talking about girls in high-school too much because there were few there. Therefore not the high-school background had brought me in the state of wanting to make it with a girl, but the media (TV, computer, internet, press).
Every time I was making a girlfriend I thought that maybe the time for doing that thing would come, but after 2-3 months we would break up. I turned 18 and I hadn’t done it, I was a virgin and I entered college. There, unlike high-school, were many girls and I was hoping of getting rid of this “shame”, as I considered it then.
Until that age I had a few opportunities to make love, but always something would come up and nothing happened. At college I met a very beautiful girl with whom I got along very well. After a few months only we started talking about intimate relationship and I started pressuring her, I insisted on making this as soon as possible. Larisa, my girlfriend, had verbally surrendered and had promised me that we would do it during the winter holiday.
As winter approached I met God and started going to Church, I read many religious books and in short I began to wish to make love only after getting married. Larisa was pleased with this and she was happy that I wasn’t insisting anymore. She started coming to church with me, we found a priest whom we both confessed to, we received the Holy Communion, we started praying in the morning and in the evening and began living a Christian life.
We spend time at each other’s home, stayed in bed together and even if we sometimes touched each other more than it was allowed, we managed to refrain ourselves and we didn’t do anything. We wanted to get married. We were about to move in another city in September.
I talked to my parents to make the wedding as soon as possible before we moved so that we wouldn’t have to live together without God’s blessing, but they said time was too short and that it would be better to do it the following year. I insisted that we didn’t want something big, only the service at the church with family and closer friends, because the rest wasn’t so important. They were very determined, therefore we gave in and the wedding was planned for the following summer.
In September we moved in another city, rented a studio flat, got jobs and started our life together. I was very determined not to make love, although we were going to sleep in the same bed. Larisa agreed too and we thought that God had helped us too much until now, so that we would angry Him and make love.
We talked with our priest and he encouraged us by telling us to live in the same house, but like brothers and not to do anything wrong.
Days passed by, we would wake up in the morning, go to work, come back home and, in the evening, when we went to sleep, we would hug and kiss each other and fall asleep peacefully. We had been tempted, but we managed to resist. We felt God’s help very strong in our life. A few months later it became something natural, we didn’t find it difficult anymore, it was as it should have been.
The simple refrain from intimate relationships increased the attraction between us, we loved each other more and we comforted ourselves with the thought that we would soon get married.
Summer came and, after 9 months of sleeping in the same bed, our Lord Jesus Christ helped us not to make love. We got married, went into our honeymoon and since then and until today we feel God’s help in our life for that little sacrifice we made.
Larisa got pregnant after a while and our priest told us that until the baby would be born, we mustn’t make love. There were 7 months left until the baby was due to be born and we started to refrain ourselves. It was very easy for us because, morally speaking, we had previously had a bigger victory and now we had and extra reason: the health and holiness of our child, who was about to be born.
Today, after five years of marriage, Larisa and I can easily refrain from intimate intercourse, especially during the celebrations and the fasting periods, although, sometimes we make mistakes, we ask God for forgiveness and we try to redress ourselves.
We give glory to God for all the strength He has given us and for all the spiritual and earthly blessing He has poured forth on us. We only offered our will, He has given us the strength.
God help us all!
(Victor from across the ocean, in Canada)
It’s very easy for me to talk about seductive caresses, about those sweet touches between youngsters, because I’ve been through this myself. I have been tempted by them before starting going to Church, but also afterwards.
When I was younger, meeting and having a girlfriend, was a reason to run at my best best friend, Bogdan, to tell him about her. He was asking me “Have you kissed her?”. If I said “No”, it was considered just a date and it still took a lot of work until it was named relationship. The kiss represented the seal of the new start, it was the beginning of the relationship. Usually this happened at the first or second date. What would follow after this depended on the previous experiences you had.
Somebody once said a wise thing, is harder until you get to the first kiss, because after that, things can develop very quickly.
We easily found an occasion to watch a movie together, to come to my place, or to go to hers, to lie in bed, hug, to go to a party, or who knows what other moments in which we could get closer, in a physical way.
After I came to know God, these moments of intimacy were a real struggle for me. I knew that touching my girlfriend wasn’t a good thing and also that, as I was proceeding, it would be harder and harder to stop. The temptation was too big, her smooth skin was luring me more than I could stand…Sometimes I’d set limits in my mind and I’d say to myself “I will only touch her until there…from there on I’ll stop”…I had remorse, I felt that what I was doing wasn’t a good thing, but the devil whispered in my mind “If I touched her until here, it’s the same if I advance further, the sin is the same”.
I was finding reasons to convince myself that it’s not as bad as it seemed, because I failed to resist to the temptation and I committed the sin. A few moments later, remorse came and then the shame would invade me when I had to go to my spritual father and tell him what I had done. We hadn’t made love, but we did touch each other, far more than we should have.
The day to confess my sins came and I told the father what I had done, but without giving him details, I said only “father I have sinned” or “I have touched my girlfriend”. Once he really thought we had sex and he started to tell me the canon I had to do, so that I may heal for the sin I had done. I was sorry to have done thisand I always confessed this sin with the thought of never doing it again.
But when we were together, it happened again, we touched each other and I had remorse again, I used to leave very sad and on my way home I prayed God for forgiveness. I was feeling dirty and useless, the sin I had done was staying in the way for bagging forgiveness.
I sinned many times and each of those times, I was asking God to forgive me, sometimes I cried…I was sorry…I wanted to leave this sin but I wasn’t strong enough to resist the temptation from the devil, who was fighting me constantly. We didn’t make love, but I felt as if I had this sin in my soul. I used to remember what the Holy Apostle Paul said, that fornication it’s different from all other sins: “Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. ”(1 Co. 6, 18)
This battle has thought me what is repentance and has showed me how patient and merciful God is to our weaknesses. There were days when God punished me for what I had done and I had no doubt that the punishment was from Him. But most times when I had sinned, He forgave me. Sometimes I thought “I have sinned again, that means that tomorrow or the day after tomorrow the punishment would come”. But it didn’t.
My mistake was that I was trying to fight the temptation, believing, each time, that I would stop at a certain point…but I failed most times, although I was asking God for help in this battle. The solution is to run from the temptation and to avoid as much as we can the intimate moments. Instead you can go for walks, hang out with friends, go to a movie, or anywhere else.
We won in an end, by constantly avoiding those moments, doing something else. After a while we felt as if God had taken this sin from us. We spent time together but weren’t tempted to touch each other. We talked and comforted each other that we would soon get married and then, with God’s blessing, we would be able to express our love in a intimate way too.
It was a difficult battle from which I learn that Our Lord Jesus Christ doesn’t want us to try to fight the temptation alone and then asking for His help, but He recommends that we always ask the Heavenly Father: “and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil”.
It is a huge temptation even for youngsters who go to Church and don’t want to sin before marriage. The spell of this temptation is immense and who willingly tries it, may never get away from it.
It’s easier to avoid the battle than struggling to win it. The devil wants us to believe that this battle has to be won, but you win it by not taking part in it.
The sweetness of these seductive caresses will only kidnap the innocence of the relationship, of its beauty and normality, rushing it to a point where it should get to yet.
(Victor from Canada)
I know that nowadays young people are assaulted from all sides with all sorts of images and they give up to all this gathered sexual tension starting their sex-life as young as 14 years old. The others, who haven’t started it yet, feel a strong peer pressure, which, many times, is more in their minds, rather than a real pressure.
This is the reason they feel like something’s missing in their lives and, wanting to be like their friends, they push it too far, searching any occasion to have sex so that they are able to give a relaxed answer to the question “are you still a virgin?”.
What can a 14 year-old boy know about life? Or a girl this age, what a relationship based on love is? What can the two understand about the intimate relationship between a man and a woman, about the extraordinary mysteries that lie beneath? Too little. At this age everything is just an experiment with a dose of courage.
What would I do if my 3 years old daughter comes to me when she’s 14-15 and asks me “Dad, do you think I should start my sexual life?”. I would have only one answer, on which I’d insist: “If you start your sex-life before marriage, you only deprive yourself of God’s help in the future”.
Many people fight back straight-away when you tell them that making love before marriage is a sin: “How can it be a sin, it’s something normal!”. Sex-life outside family-life is a sin because it has huge chain-reaction effects on our society and, more important, on tomorrow’s society. It’s so simple to see those effects nowadays:
These libertinisms that we live in, of having intimate relationships with anybody – anytime will have a consequence on our children.
Why is it a sin to make love before marriage? Because, by doing this, you harm the whole society. Intimate relationships before marriage deteriorate family and family is the base brick of the society. Family is a resemblance of the Holy Trinity, where the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit live in the same being, in an ocean of love. If we destroy family, we strongly deteriorate the quality of life. That’s why God punishes the sexual relationships outside the family.
The sin is wrong and it brings along with it punishment only because it has negative effects on the people around you.
Don’t deprive yourself of God’s help in life by doing this awful sin! I’m not saying that God won’t help those who fall in this sin, but that He helps them less, letting them see what they have lost by not obeying His commandments..