I am writing to you because I would like you to learn from my mistakes and always feel content with yourself. Now I wish to see people who are happy and satisfied with their condition, with what God gives them. Now, I wholeheartedly believe that God gives us neither more nor less than we actually need. I believe that anything we do must be done as if intended for God. And I also believe that no matter the suffering, Christ is with us and carries us when we cannot go any further.
God doesn’t deprive us of our freedom, He respects everybody just the way they are. If God respects my peers, and He always gives them sun, water, oxygen, no matter how faithful they are…if He respects them even when they have fallen into great sins and is waiting for them to come back to Him, why should we not forgive and respect them as well? If God was so patient to me when I had fallen into the same sins dozens of times, why shouldn’t I be patient with my parent, who argues with me dozens of times?
Yes, my dear friend, I was judging my father, I quarreled with him, and I didn’t listen to him. I was behaving in an irritated way towards him, I thought that anything he told me was wrong, when he wanted only my well-being. And I pretended to have faith as well, because I was present, perhaps only physically, in the church on Sundays. Now I also understand the major importance of actions in a Christian’s life. It’s all depending on us or “It all depends on you” as my father told me when I was able to stand up.
I was dissatisfied with myself, with the way I looked, I considered myself to be fat and ugly, and all that because I was comparing myself with all the other girls on TV. I wasn’t satisfied with the clothes I was wearing, without thinking for a moment that others have nothing to put on. What can I do with a full closet now? The answer: absolutely nothing.
I had fallen into a state of sadness and dissatisfaction with everything, with the house in which I was living, with my parents, I was idle … I was barely doing any physical exercise. I’m wondering why I didn’t call you and ask you to go out for a walk in the park with me. Instead, I was sleeping a lot after gorging myself on food.
And one Sunday afternoon, while getting ready to go out, I was dressing and when bending forward I felt a sudden pang in my waist. I didn’t pay much attention to it, I thought I should still go out, maybe it will go away. Outside came the suffering, I couldn’t walk, I felt stings in my heels and my waist was stiff. Moments were running through my head, moments when I fought with my dad because he had moved St Nicholas’s icon in the kitchen and I got mad with him.
I could say that St Nicholas punished me a little, so I would listen to my parents, and maybe the saint’s will was to stay in that place. I reached my home with efforts, crying with pain, my waist was stiff, I couldn’t go to the loo. You have no idea how much I appreciate these simple things right now, like using the facilities. Now I walk a little crooked and I’m so sorry I was unhappy with myself, with the way I looked. I’m going to the doctor and I get anti-pain injections.
I’m due for recovery sessions to straighten my spine, I’m hoping that’s all there is to it. I thank God from my whole heart for waking me up from my sleep, now I constantly repeat to myself to be happy with who I am. Anything I will be doing from now on, I want to dedicate it to God and His Mother. I know how people who can’t walk feel, or how people who don’t have an arm or a leg feel.
God can make miracles with us, yet He enjoys it when people help one another and increase love on Earth. I know my suffering is caused by other facts as well, thank God there is the Confession, but everything depends on me as before. Thank you for having had the patience to listen to me, I love you and want you to take good care of yourself and respect those around you. Don’t compare yourself to anyone, because we are each unique and beautiful in our own way, and if you can’t love your parents, respect them fully.
Lots of love, your friend.
(Letter to my friend)